When Pigs Fly
by Mimzay-Peach
Summary: Lily should have known better. When she said "I'll go out with you when pigs fly", she should have expected James to come up with SOME kind of plan. But she was really hoping he wouldn't. Lily/James


A/N: Hey! I got back into Harry Potter! I'm sorry I'm popping out new things, since I already have a ton of fics to finish. I really am sorry. But hey, plot bunnies are plot bunnies, yeah?

Rated T for: Mild Language, Slight Sexual Humour, Phobias of Pigs, Screaming, and Disturbing Situations.

Viewer Discretion is advised.

Disclaimer: If I owned HP, I would be selling this. But alas, I am not. So...yeah.

* * *

Lily Evans was a gem. She had top marks, despite her muggle ancestors, dazzling green eyes, fiery red hair and a smile that would charm any man. She understood many things; Potions, which she wonderfully excelled at, Charms, also amazing, and Transfiguration, it wasn't that hard to turn a frog into a dung bomb if you tried really hard.

Yes, Lily Evans was a gem who understood many things.

However, one thing she simply could not understand was why, in the name of God, James Potter continued to attempt-KEY WORD- to woo her despite her protests.

"No."

"But—"

"No," Lily said, more firmly, annoyed that Potter was AGAIN going to make her late for Divination with his shameless flirtations. She was growing tired of constantly being pursued, though she wouldn't admit that she thought it flattering at first.

"Oh, come now, Evans," Potter said, grinning with a spark of mischief that rivaled that of Black's…She wondered where his devoted lackeys were for a moment. Then mentally shrugged and forgot all about the black-haired brat, the small boy who didn't seem to fit and the only one of the marauders she considered her friend…erm…acquaintance.

"—and that, my dear Lily, is why you should leave your robes open!" she heard Potter finish.

And took it the completely wrong way.

Growing red, Lily turned to him, not realizing she'd begun to walk away from him-though he was travelling at her heels- and bellowed, "WHAT?!"

Potter blinked."…I…said that your tie really brings out the color in your eyes?"

"….Oh," muttered Lily, looking down and feeling ashamed for thinking something else.

Potter smirked almost evilly. "What did you THINK I meant?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Lily yelped, crossing her arms and stomping to Divination…which she was already ten minutes late for.

* * *

Lily was having a horrible day. The worst day she had ever had in her sixteen years of living. And the worst part was: everyone was noticing.

"Erm…L-Lily?" Asked a concerned Alice at lunch when Lily had her head almost in her food.

"Hmm?" asked Lily, tired. "W-wha-?..Oh…Hi Alice…" she muttered, snuggling back into her makeshift sandwich pillow.

Alice looked at another Gryffindor girl, Sarah, who shrugged and took a large bite out of an apple.

"Lily!"

Oh dear GOD…NO! WHY!?

Lily could have sobbed. She brought her head up quickly, and regretted it when her head swam for a moment. When her vision focused again, she looked down the table to see Potter grinning wildly. She almost sobbed when he took her looking at him as an invitation to come and talk to her.

Why today? Why did Potter have to ruin her days? She had already humiliated herself in Potions when she mixed Mandrake Roots and Vampire Blood instead of Mandrake Leaves and Sand of an Hourglass.

It had resulted in a blue-not red- potion that soon exploded and covered everyone in blue goo that slowed them down a significant amount.

And why had she done that?

Because damned Potter HAD to be her Potions partner. Because he and Black wouldn't stop making trouble. She honestly felt sorry for Remus when Black put in spider's legs as a joke and the smoke coming out of the cauldron made him choke. Black was horribly flustered.

But that's straying from the subject.

The reason she mixed the two was because Potter was assigned the task of getting ingredients and Lily didn't want to look at him. She should have at least checked what he'd gotten before putting them in. But she wouldn't admit defeat.

"Lily!" Potter grinned wider.

She felt a tear fall down her cheek. "What?" she snapped, wanting to get back to her sandwich pillow.

"Well," He started, messing up his hair is an annoying way," As you know, it's a Hogsmeade weekend and I was wondering if you'd-"

"No."

"….Please?"

"No!" She said, standing.

"…."

"….."

"….Please?"

Lily screamed, causing all chatter in the Great Hall to stop and all eyes were on her.

Potter almost fell over his own feet.

"JAMES POTTER! THE DAY I GO OUT WITH YOU IS THE DAY PIGS FLY!"

It echoed in the silent hall. And then Lily grabbed her bag, starting off.

Then she came back and grabbed her sandwich before huffing and leaving again.

* * *

Sirius scowled slightly. Saturday night was supposed to be for pranking the Slytherin common room; not sulking over a rejection...which is what James was doing.

James had his face snuggled into his pillow, and one would think he was dead if it were not for the fact that his back was moving up and down with breaths he took.

Sirius was sprawled across his bed, lying on his stomach, head resting on his hands, staring at James.

Remus was currently engrossed in his new novel, which meant there wasn't any hope in getting him to make mischief anytime soon.

Peter was attempting to get James out of his depressed, and possibly suffocating, slump…with little achievement.

"James," Peter said, face concerned as he poked the boy in the side.

"Mmmmphhh!" grunted James, only slightly moving from the poke.

Sirius' eye twitched and he sat up, looking over at Remus, who was desperately trying to stay involved in the story of Dorian Gray. He turned the page, eyes darting over the words.

And then he felt eyes on him.

"Sirius," he said without looking up. The black-haired boy continued to stare intently.

"….Sirius!"

"Hm?"

"What do you need?" Remus asked, glancing up from his book for a millisecond before flipping the page again.

Sirius groaned, rolling onto his back. "I'm so bored!" he growled. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"So go do something to relieve you of boredom," he said, biting his lip to hide a snicker at Sirius' glare.

"It would be easy to do that, Mr.Moony," he said quietly."If SOMEONE would stop sulking over a silly bint of a bird!" he bellowed. "Or if another SOMEONE would stop randomly poking SOMEONE NUMBER ONE!"

Remus was having trouble containing laughter as he attempted to get back into his novel. James let out an indignant "MPPH!" from his place on his bed, and Peter flushed, fidgeting slightly.

Remus then let out a cough that hardly covered his laughter.

Sirius turned to him again, pointing at him with his eyes narrowed.

"And YOU!"

"Me?"

"YES! YOU! Y-YOU JUST SITTING THERE AND READING AND HAVING NO PITY WHATSOEVER FOR ME!"

"….Exactly, now hush and find something to do. Study for once, maybe?" Remus flipped the page.

Sirius almost screamed. He instead opted for brooding-seeing as he, Sirius Black, did NOT pout- on his bed, muttering about insensitive wolves and lovesick best friends. Remus smiled as he read, happy that everything was somewhat quiet for the moment.

"….MPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSHHFHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"OH FOR PETE'S SAKE-"

"What about me?"

"SHUT UP, WORMTAIL!"

Remus smiled more, looking up from his book just in time to see Sirius trying to pull James from his bed, with James letting out an occasional "PMMMPPHPHSHH-SIRIUS-MMHHHPSHHH!". He marked his page and closed his book, setting it down on his bedside table before going off to help Peter get Sirius off of James.

"MMMPHHH!" James yowled as he finally sat up, glowering at Sirius, face red and hair more mussed than usual.

"PADFOOT! WOULD YOU STOP!?"

"….Hi there, Prongs! What sort of tomfoolery shall we get up to today?" Said Sirius, grinning.

"….."

"….."

"…….."

Sirius blinked at the three friends staring at him. "What?" he asked, a look of confusion on his face.

Remus shook his head and grabbed the bridge of his nose, chuckling slightly.

The boys were silent for a good while.

Until James gasped.

"HOLY HIPPOGRIFFS! I'VE GOT IT!" he yelped, grinning like a fool.

"What?! What?! You've got WHAT?!" Asked Sirius, excited.

James grinned wider and ran out of the dormitories, yelling "I KNOW HOW TO GET LILY TO GO OUT WITH MEEEEEEEE—…oh hello Lily…" the sound of a smack "AGH!...I KNOW YOU ONLY HIT ME OUT OF LOVE! I—I KNOW YOU DO...OKAY! YOU JUST…GO THEN!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Oh for Pete's sa—"

"WHAT. ABOUT. ME?!" Peter quipped, mildly annoyed.

"…." Sirius glowered.

* * *

James came to the conclusion that he was a bloody GENIUS! He would dub himself smarter than Lily and Remus combined…but he didn't want to think of THEM being combined.

That thought made him cry…though he'd never admit it.

He brushed a tear away as he walked down to Hagrid's Hut. As he knocked on the heavy wooden door, all James could think about was how amazing Lily was and how this was an awesome way to get her to go out with him. The door creaked open after James knocked four times.

Hagrid's burly face was smiling at James.

"Now wha' brings you 'ere, James?" he asked, moving to the side as to let James in. He was given a grin in return. "Oh, I'm just coming down to say hello to you, Hagrid," he said as he walked in and looked around the large hut. In all honesty, James was searching for a certain creature that he was sure Hagrid would have.

"Oh?"

"Yes..well..and…ask if you had a specific…creature that I could," James smirked slightly."Borrow…" he finished.

"Erm…Depends on wha' you need," said Hagrid, closing the door.

James motioned for Hagrid to kneel down and whispered his request.

"ohh…Ahh….I migh' 'ave one o' those," said Hagrid, leading James into a nook behind the hut.

A high pitched squealing noise came from the nook. James grinned.

"Brilliant," he said, internally leaping with joy.

* * *

It was a gorgeous day, Lily decided. For once in her life, she decided it was a simply perfect, amazing, gorgeous day. The perfect day to go outside.

The sun was shining, and birds were singing sweetly, even the Willow wasn't being as violent.

And there Lily was. Stuck in the common room, because Remus asked her to.

She scowled as she remembered their meeting in the library.

"_Lily," Remus smiled as he sat down in the empty seat next to her. She looked up from her Charms text and grinned in return._

"_Remus," she nodded. "You're a bit early for study group."_

_Remus smiled nervously. "Yes, well…"_

"_Well?" Lily raised an eyebrow._

"_I was eager to study? Sirius was supposed to give me the Potions notes that I missed, but…" he shrugged, slightly nervous smile still in place._

_She could read him well; it's how she found out about his "furry little problem", too._

"_Liar…you're always eager. Never this eager. And Sirius never forgets your notes," she frowned._

"_He didn't forget," he said, avoiding Lily's gaze._

"_Oh?"_

"_No….."_

"…_.."_

"…_..Lily would you completely hate me if I said that I have become a victim of peer pressure? Or…James' possible wrath upon me?" Remus grimaced when Lily groaned, annoyed._

"_Remus!" She whisper-yelled._

"_I'm sorry! He threatened my chocolate!"_

"……_."_

"……_."_

"…_You have GOT to be kidding me," Lily growled._

"……"

"…_..Say SOMETHING! Apologize for conning me into this situati—"_

"_Lily," Remus put a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry. James…isn't that bad…can you just do this one thing? Once? I promise that if it gets out of hand I'll get you out unscathed," he furrowed his eyebrows._

"_Unscathed? What the hell is he planning now?" Lily muttered, about to cry again._

_Remus offered a small smile of…was it pity?_

_Oh dear God._

_Her life was over._

_She just knew it._

_She let a small tear slip as she cursed the Muggle God. _

_Remus sighed as he took a handkerchief from his bag and handed it to her. He knew that he'd need it after James had ordered him to convince Lily to wait in the common room for him and his…surprise. Remus knew it would make her finally break. Why had he agreed to this again?_

"_REMUS IF YOU DON'T, I'LL STEAL YOUR CHOCOLATE AND FEED IT TO SNIVELLUS"_

…_Ah…that was why._

"_Lily…just come up to the common room later. James has a…surprise for you," he said, his small smile turning into a wince as she blew her nose loudly._

_Madam Pince sent a small glare at the two students she actually took a shining to. Remus nodded, silently apologizing._

_He would kill James later for making him go through this. Curse his love of chocolate._

_He hesitantly hugged the crying girl, patting her back awkwardly. "It's all right," he said, trying to ignore the murmurs of other students in the library._

_He would MUTILATE James during the next full moon…okay, not really. But his feral instincts were tempted._

_With a crying girl in his arms, random students snickering and pointing, Potions notes to study and a rather upset Madam Pince, Remus couldn't think._

_He, quick witted, sharp tongued Remus J. Lupin, could not think of how to make this situation better._

_So he resorted to begging._

"_Lily! Please? For me?" he nearly whimpered, hating to be the center of attention, his heightened hearing already picking up some nasty rumors._

_His face went red._

"_For the chocolate?! Think of the chocolate!" He whisper-yelped._

"_SHH!" hushed Madam Pince._

_Now Remus wanted to cry. But that would be very awkward, so he decided to wait until he was in the comfort of his own bed to cry off the embarrassment caused by James' stupid "GET INTO LILY'S PANT-…HEART!" plots._

_Lily sniffled, looking at the red-faced boy who was trying hard to fight back tears. "….Oh Remus…I didn't know you loved chocolate that much," she said, slightly awed._

_Remus' eye twitched slightly. "…Please…PLEASE!" he whispered again._

"…_Fine…for you…so you can go elope with a Chocolate Frog," she muttered, still crying._

"_I'll make it up to you! I swear on my life!" he hugged Lily again out of thanks._

"_Hey guys!"_

_Both turned to look at Alice, who was followed by a few people from each house; their study group._

"_Whoa!" Frank Longbottom said. "Remus, are you all right? You look like you're about to explode."_

"_Yes! I'm fine! Let's get started, yes?" Remus said, voice calm despite his reddened face. Lily managed to use her acting skills to hide her tortured mental state. She was conned into seeing Potter. By Remus. Her friend. She sighed as she took out her Potions text, trying to help Remus with the essay they'd been assigned._

She was still going to kill him. His marriage to the chocolate amphibian would be very, very short, she decided.

She was sitting on the red loveseat near the fire in the common room, surrounded by numerous Gryffindors, and she was growing impatient.

The sun taunted her, shining so brightly and filling the room with warmth.

Or perhaps it was the fire that was causing warmth.

Or both.

She didn't really care; she just wanted an excuse to hate the world.

"I hate you," she heard Remus say as he came down from the boy's dormitories. She peeked over the back of the loveseat to see Remus and Black. They didn't look pleased.

Remus looked homicidal and Black looked like a kicked puppy.

"Well, I just figured that you'd know what was going on, since I made Lily CRY in the library. I'm going to kill you both," Remus growled lowly, so that only those within a four-foot radius could hear.

"I'm sorry! He didn't tell me! I thought he told you!...Why didn't he tell me? He tells me everything!" Black said so quickly that Lily almost couldn't make out words.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?!" Remus whisper-yelled, glaring at the other boy. "I don't know every bloody thing on the planet!"

Lily blinked and turned away after Black winced, whining about James more.

She wondered where Potter was, anyway.

"HELLO, GRYFFINDOR TOWER!" yelled a horrible voice. Lily wanted to cry again.

A number of the Gryffindors in the room looked at James Potter, who was carrying a bundle that squirmed in his grasp.

Whatever he had in that bundle of blankets, she sure as hell didn't want it.

"Lily! O sweet Lily!" sang Ja-…Potter as he caught sight of Lily's hair.

She sunk low in her seat, wincing.

"You remember how you said that you'd go out with me when pigs fly!?" Potter said, eyes shining as he placed the bundle on the floor in front of her.

…He didn't.

He drew the blankets away from the squealing bundle and grinned.

Lily stared, eyes wide.

A few first years squealed.

Remus gaped before muttering something similar to "…oh good heavens, James"

Sirius was pale.

James grinned wider as he got his wand out.

A pale pink pig with a fluffy muggle angel outfit, covered in tinsel, was draped over its body. Two fluffy angel wings were poking from the outfit, and halo-also covered in tinsel- was firm on the pig's large head.

"And now, my dear, I shall make pigs fly!"

Lily groaned as she felt a migraine coming on.

"WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!" cried James, aiming his levitation charm at the pig.

The pig yowled, kicking as it was lifted, against its will, into the air.

Sirius hadn't moved a muscle.

Lily rubbed at her temples, obviously regretting saying her comment.

And then all Hell broke loose.

Remus tripped over his own feet when Sirius let out a shriek so high that it rivaled that of a first year girl who saw Sir Nicholas make his head nearly come off.

James almost dropped the spell, causing the pig to squeal louder.

Immediately, everyone looked at Sirius, who was still screaming shrilly. Lily winced and covered her ears.

"DEMON PIG! DEMON PIG!" screamed Sirius, who now had his wand in an attacking position. He began to shoot hexes of all levels of destruction at the poor pig, while James tried to keep it flying.

"SIRIUS! YOU BLOODY GIT! YOU'RE RUINING MY ROMANTIC TECHNIQUES!" he bellowed, looking at Remus as if asking for help. Remus, who also had his hands over his ears, was halfway up the stairs to the boy's dormitories when he caught James' eye.

'PLEASE!' mouthed James.

Remus glared in return, annoyed by his horribly emotional, horribly annoying day. Mouthing a terribly un-Remus like word to James-leaving the bespectacled boy gaping-, Remus ran up, eager to escape the catastrophe of what would later be known as "The Pig Incident of 1977".

* * *

It was at that moment that Peter Pettigrew, who had just been in the Kitchens, decided to come into the common room to see how his dear friends were doing.

However, when he walked in with a smile on his face, preparing to say, "Hello, friends of mine! What sort of mischief shall we get up to today!?", he didn't expect to be face to face with a rather pissed off James, a hysterical Sirius, or a horde of first years to run into him in a frantic attempt to escape Sirius' range of seventh year curses.

He wondered why the hell James was protecting a flying pig from Sirius but even more so on why Sirius was attacking the pig in the first place.

Eventually, he decided to leave without saying a word, scarred beyond all reason.

* * *

THREE HOURS LATER!

"Sirius?"

"Hmmmphhh…"

"Sirius…"

"N-nuuuu, Moony, it's too early for classessssss…I'll wake up latteerrrrrrrr."

"……Pig"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Remus winced as Sirius sat up, screaming hysterically as he looked around, searching for the horrible creature that haunted his dreams.

"Welcome back," Remus muttered, ears ringing as Sirius stopped screaming.

Madam Pomfrey was by his side in a second, nearly choking Sirius with chocolate. Then she looked over at Remus and gave him a scolding look before walking off to another patient; the poor Gryffindor girl who couldn't master a levitation charm. It exploded in her face.

Sirius nibbled on his chocolate, whimpering softly. "…W-what happened?" he asked quietly after swallowing.

Man, that was good chocolate.

Remus shrugged. "From what James told me, you blacked out, Lily screamed at him, he dropped the…thing…, McGonagall came in to see the ruckus, only to find you passed out on the floor, James with a wand and a….thing," he stopped to clear his throat," and then she rushed up to get me, and James took the …thing…back to Hagrid, and I had to bring you here."

He shrugged again.

Sirius blinked and nodded before nibbling on his chocolate. "…So…any GOOD news?" he asked, slightly smirking now.

Remus went red and coughed. "I…managed to convince Lily of something…so...good in James' favor...not hers," he smiled awkwardly.

"Huh?"

"…Told her that James made a pi-….thing… fly and…well..."

"…Moony?"

"Yes?"

"…You're a fucking genius."

"I try," Remus said, smiling wide.

"Can't imagine that Evans was exactly happy," Sirius said, snickering as he bit a slab of chocolate.

Remus shook his head. "I think she's planning on hurting all of us in some way," he chuckled, shaking his head. "So James is taking Lily on her 'promised' date next Hogsmeade weekend...two days after the full moon, actually," he muttered.

"Ah…Well…I'm happy that it all worked out for him, then," Sirius said, grinning.

Remus smiled in return.

"Yeah…even if he did have to levitate a pig to make it work," he snorted.

Sirius paled.

"….Sirius?"

Sirius whimpered.

"…Oh, no," Remus said, plugging his sensitive ears.

* * *

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lily looked up from her work, smirking.

"Excellent," she cackled, adding the word "pigs" to her list of Marauder Phobias.

"Absolutely excellent," another cackle.

* * *

The End….

"MADAM POMFREY!"

"What is i- GOOD HEAVENS! SIRIUS! CALM DOWN, DEAR!!"

"AGGGHHHHHHHH!"

…Well….almost.

* * *

A/N: So, yeah. That isn't it, folks! I'm working on the sequel entitled "Arabesques"! Should be out soon, so if you want more, don't worry! Thanks for support! Flames are discouraged, but constructive crits are welcome with open arms and chocolate!

Love,

Mimi


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